You are arguing with your partner and then it hits you!
You know full well it’s their fault, so you let them know.
In one way or another, you are saying what you are doing right now is making me unhappy.
Unfortunately, you just gave them all the power. YEP!
Eventually, you will resent that. Off with his/her head!
And it doesn’t make things better.
Here’s why, besides the resentment thingy, they have to do something different in order to make you happy.
What if they can’t remember to do it differently or what if it doesn’t come naturally to them to do what you are asking, it may take time to alter habits.
If you give people the power to make you happy or unhappy, it’s a very conditional love; a very conditional happiness.
AND…We all do it.
Let me ask you a question… Did you expect more from your baby? What about a puppy?
Did you think ‘I cannot like you because you have not learned to wee outside and you keep having accidents inside?’
You probably answered no because they are innocent or cute, they are learning and they love you and you, them, unconditionally.
As our children get older this unconditional love we have for them seems to wane….I think it’s because we think they are adults now.
We may say, “welcome to my world, this is how it’s done, it’s tough, get with the prog gee. I have done a lot for you when you were growing up.”
Our kids just want us to continue being their Mum or their Dad and loving them unconditionally.
The people we relate with probably want the same.
We have been conditioned to ask what, where or who is the problem. Then find the solution quickly.
We race to solutions and strategies and we skip the most important part that allows us to come together on the same platform.
When the train is leaving you both need to know how to be on the same platform to travel together.
Finding that pesky need is the one thing that shows us the sign that the platform is THIS WAY.
More on that next time.
The 5 things I recommend for relationships with busy schedules are:
1. Keep quiet – speaking one at a time
This is 101 of respectful listening and being in a conversation. We are often impatient and can’t wait until the other person has finished. We are often listening with a goal to speak next.
We miss valuable messages, meanings underneath the words and clarification that could be important to further connection.
A way to do this and create a new habit is to imagine you are listening to the most respected person you know and then give a few moments of silence before speaking.
2. Get Curious
Asking if you have heard something correctly doesn’t only mean asking if you have interpreted what they said-message sent ..message received, it can invite the speaker to correct something said and rephrase it for better connection, respect and understanding.
3. Ask for what you want
Making it a request means when the other person feels a sense of complete freedom to say no, they then have the complete freedom to say yes. This does mean doing something different, however, it’s a request rather than a fait accompli.
The answer is given after there has been listening and reflecting.
In short, you have given them the gift of connection trust and respect first.
4. Meditate together
A meditation I have been using recently is from colleagues of mine Catherine Cadden and Jesse Weins, who developed a practice and a book on living nonviolently.
This type of meditation involves a short passage that one of you would read, then sitting in silence for 3-10 minutes, then discussing a quality of life, say like what does respect mean to you, when do you have respect when was there a time when you didn’t have it.
Conversations like this are considered, have depth and create connection.
These sort of conversations don’t often happen in our hurried lives.
The whole process could take between 10-30 minutes. You decide how often and how long. If you would like to experience this you are welcome to attend a practice group call.
5. Slow down
It might be tricky although what happens in conversations that connect as you go slower you speed up understanding and therefore resolve misunderstandings quickly.
Slowing down to connect first paves the way for a lot of respect.
The word connection is every woman’s dream. Women go about their every day trying to connect with everyone and get connection from everyone.
Guys, on the other hand, appreciate trust and respect. In order to speed up the understanding, connection, trust and respect you need to slow down the reaction time by reflecting a lot.
The way to remember these points is remembering the phrase listen to learn.
As opposed to, listen to fill in the next space or taking your turn to say something, that isn’t adding to what the original speaker has already said. Reflect a bit first to check your understanding and that you get where they are coming from.
“Habits are not about having something. They are about becoming someone”.
“Ultimately, your habits matter because they help you become the type of person you wish to be. They are the channel through which you develop your deepest beliefs about yourself, quite literally, you become your habits”. – James Clear
I like this meaning of forgiveness – when a person claims all of their responsibility for all of their feelings.
As opposed to someone making you feel something.
When I finally get in touch with the hurt I feel and I know that the hurt is inside me, it’s not someone else doing it to me, that will breed organic forgiveness.
When a person can claim responsibility for things inside themselves, that is a sign they are in touch with their vibrational nature with the forces of creation.
Next time I will cover how to journal and why and let’s get clear on those pesky needs I mentioned.
If you think about journaling as caring about how you feel and practising feeling good you will be more likely to do it and more likely to feel good more often.
Whenever there is a conflict the person who is willing to see the hurt is inside them and understand that no one is making them feel or be anything, this is the one who will practice forgiveness and bring love to it.
Knowing you can calm yourself in the moment will allow you to live in your power where lowered defensiveness and staying in the room will get the outcomes you are seeking.
Lots of love
I’d like to acknowledge James Clear for his ground-breaking book called Atomic Habits. A vital read.
And Catherine Cadden and Jesse Weins for their book ONGO everyday nonviolence. Also a vital read. If you would like a copy please let me know as the local distributor ensures the authors receive their contribution for their effort.
If you would like to explore working with me where we unlock effective ways to express freely, giving you the confidence to open up conversations that are difficult please get in touch by clicking the button below to book a free no-obligation 20-minute Discovery Call.